Are you tired of the monotonous drivel that’s insidiously infiltrated our TVs and other forms of media?

Are you tired of not having enough money in your bank account to last the month?

Do you wish you had more time spent with your friends and family?

We have great news for you! If you’re severely affected by inflation, Congresspeople have started accepting citizens’ applications to cut cords of all subscriptions.

This, in theory, will cut the inflation rate by over 50 percent, which will make life much easier for people struggling to make it paycheck to paycheck.

Kentucky Representative Andy Barr weighed in on the issue, saying “I personally think this is a wonderful idea. What makes this a logical step to take is that you don’t need subscriptions in daily life. When was the last time you used Disney+, Hulu, Netflix, or other media subscriptions? I haven’t used any form of subscription for the past two months, and I’m a better human being because of it. That being said, It’s ultimately the citizen’s choice. We aren’t going to make this big of a decision for you.”

The highest usage of subscriptions was during the worldwide coronavirus pandemic.  Because of the pandemic, people were shut in and had nothing better to do than watch movies or TV shows. But, as restrictions loosen up, it’s only logical to cut back on subscriptions a bit, as in doing so, people would be able to have actual interactions with family and friends, not just ones dictated by a screen.

We reached out to see if there were any happy cord cutters that were available for comment. There were three of them, but each preferred to stay anonymous, to possibly prevent backlash in their respective workplaces or family gatherings. From here forward, they will be addressed in this article as R, E, and B, respectively.

R, a Wisconsin resident, explains their stance on the issue, and their views on why this is needed, saying, “I’m extremely happy that I contacted my congressional district’s Representative, Mark Pocan, about cutting off my subscriptions. It has drastically improved my life. By cutting off my subscriptions, Our family has the ability to spend more time with people we love, doing what we love; watching football. Disney+ and Netflix weren’t that important to us as a family anyway. Go Packers!”

E, a Kentucky resident, explained that they were on the fence about the issue saying, “I was on the fence on this issue for a long time. My family and I have faced financial hardship for years, but we could never bear to cut out our Disney+, as we have 3 young children who love watching Moana, Frozen, and the Cars movies, to name a few. So, as you can imagine, we were torn. We didn’t want to risk our children’s happiness, but we were tired of living from paycheck to paycheck. We eventually bit the bullet and contacted our local Representative, Brett Guthrie, to cut the cord, and honestly, it’s the best decision we’ve made.”

Lastly, B, a Tennessee resident, remarks that “I live on my own. I don’t have any family near me since I had to move away due to my job relocated me. Even still, contacting my Senator, Steve Southerland, about cutting the cord has been super rewarding.  I’ve got to spend a lot more time outdoors in nature, and I’ve never felt better. I was hit pretty hard during the pandemic; being stuck in my house away from family, did a serious number on my mental health. That being said, my mental state has gotten exponentially better since I cut the cord, and as an added bonus, I have more money in my pocket as a result. I now am able to see my family whenever I want, as well.”

After hearing the testimonials of these people, what say you? All we ask is that you consider cutting your cords. It’s a great way to cut down unneccesary spending, and it will significantly improve your mental and physical health.

Author’s note: This is satire. I carefully chose what to say, as I know inflation is a very sensitive topic these days. I used stereotypes of the typical Wisconsin football fan (without showing disrespect towards Wisconsin culture) to make it more lighthearted, as well as show how much of an impact inflation has nationwide. That is also the reason I included Tennessee as well. I included people from all walks of life, from people who had families, to people who left their families behind. From people who were well off, to people who were financially struggling. I tried my best to accurately represent most situations and why cutting cords would be a logical step to take. Thank you for reading.