Local Senior Anxious About Ending the Tutorial Stage of His Life


Local high school senior Simon Smith was reportedly “anxious about ending the tutorial and moving on to the real game,” according to sources as of last Tuesday night.

Simon reflected on his save state thus far to interviewers.

“In most games, the tutorial just teaches you the controls, basic game knowledge, and then maybe a mini-boss that you can actually test your skills on or something. It usually takes something like 15 minutes. But in this game, I’ve done that for 12 years straight, over and over again! What kind of design is that?”

Simon then went on to worry about his character’s build, according to perplexed journalists. 

But in this game, I’ve done that for 12 years straight, over and over again!

“You know, I was kind of hoping that I’d be set to go after this tutorial is over, but I’m beginning to worry that it won’t be the case. Apparently, if I want to do anything after this, I gotta complete the pay-to-win “college” expansion, which might as well be the real tutorial. I didn’t put enough of my points into my Strength or Intelligence stats, so I can’t bypass the money requirements with the “Scholarship” item. Besides, even if I got that, it’s not like my parents are rich enough to let me speedrun the entire thing. I guess my luck isn’t high enough, or else my “Band” guild surely would have blown up and we’d be celebrities by now. Say, what did I put all of my upgrade points towards?”

Analytic sources indicate that the majority of Simon’s upgrade points were spent towards specializing recreational skills, such as Gaming.

“And I don’t even know what my Class is going to be, or how what my playstyle is going to be, or what I’ll do to prep for the endgame! All the tutorial’s ever taught me was the specialized skills for useless trees like calculus or something! How’s that going to prep me for a raid boss or any of the competitive ranked game modes?”

Sources indicate that Simon was last seen hopelessly grinding countless hours towards the legendary-tier “High School Diploma” item drop.