Today’s generation is constantly demanded for their attention by the world every day, through phone screens and the notifications that ring at any point in the day. We are taught to listen to the notifications on our phones rather than listening to the person in front of us. In the book You’re Not Listening by Kate Murphy, she reminds us that we as a society should be understanding the power of truly hearing one another rather than keeping our focus tied to the blue light in our hands.
Kate Murphy is a journalist who explored why listening has become a lost power in modern society. She had the opportunity to interview neuroscientists, psychologists, and professional listeners to come up with her case for why listening is essential. Not just for healthy relationships with those around you, but for understanding ourselves too. Her unique writing style includes storytelling while giving scientific evidence and relatable examples for the audience to understand and keep up with what she is conveying within this book. And instead of scolding people for their lack of listening or inability to realize that they are not good listeners, she invites us to reflect on our habits and how we have approached and will approach conversations.
Murphy has argued that communication digitally–texting, social media, etc– has taught us to make quick responses a priority over thoughtful conversations. While we might feel “connected,” we’re doing the exact opposite. We’re encouraged by social media to broadcast our own opinions, but not to listen to others. The algorithms are an issue as well. Social media is built to give us content that reinforces our existing beliefs, which makes taking in a different perspective feel less natural and threatening to some.
Where mental health plays into this is that it is proven that there is a direct link between poor listening and increased levels of loneliness, anxiety, and depression. When people don’t feel heard or truly understood, it affects their sense of connection and self-worth. Kate Murphy also cites research that shows feeling unheard can be just as stressful as being physically hurt. This is what makes technology a double-edged sword: it connects us more outwardly, but disconnects us emotionally.
My favorite quote from this book is, “It’s only when you stop talking that you start to hear what’s really going on–both in the world and in your own mind.” She is referring to how technology keeps our minds constantly stimulated, leaving little room for self-reflection or genuine human interactions.
I truly loved this book. Just by reading Kate Murphy’s statements, examples, and research, I felt like someone was listening to me somehow. I would have conversations with other people that I didn’t feel right after, as if the conversation didn’t happen at all. And now I know why. Because not many people these days realize that they aren’t truly listening to anyone. And I’m not saying that to blame others for how badly I have felt after certain conversations. I am saying that it could have been that neither of us was listening to the other. Or even just me alone. However, after reading this book, I will be more reflective of how well I am listening, not just so that I feel good about the conversation, but so the other person can too, and feel truly heard.
